i tire of this

Every day , every hour , every second , time passes me by. Theres no feeling of it passing anymore , the sun and the moon are both a compilation of uselessness anymore, they just blend into a grey mix of life and death . Perhaps im trying to hold on to the last bits of humanity that i can , before i can really turn into something inhuman , into a true monster. I've always though it would be cool to be the big evil bad guy in some heroic story. But then when i really think about it , that guy , that evil man has no purpose in his life then to cause harm and pain to others. Not to sound like a wuss or anything here , but i cannot find a good reason to follow that.
But thats another problem for me too. The good guys always seem more flawed to me , sure even the bad guys have their problems. But they end up usually just being the "big evil angry guy who wants to take over the world for one reason or another." But its how the good guys always put up a front to the people , to show that theres nothing wrong , that everything is all clean a pristine with the heroes that discusts me . When the things that the heroes do is usually worse then what a villan does , why is he still the hero?
For instance, in Watchmen Rorshart was a "tragic" hero , but this brings me to another point. He was considered a hero , but did more thigns wrong then almost any villan in story. Sure he said it was to find the truth and the justice, But at what point was he even worse then the rest of them. Enough for now , i must rest.