So i had a new phone call on my phone today , dident recognice the number so I got my hopes up and though It was Kayla, but of course it wasen't. It was nathan.

so now its 6am and I'm wondering why I'm still alive. Just sitting here , starting at the screen with an indignant expression on my face only fit for the deadliest of executioners. The bloody rose calls for me tonight, and I want it to come.
I feel like tearing my eyeballs out right now. They dont feel right in my skull.
i wonder what its like to be dead. Is it peaceful? dreadfully boring?
Its hardto tell exactly what non-existance would be like when we must always be existing.

Every day I stop and I have to think to myself why I continue existing. I carry myself of with a bizarre hate for life , but curious to where it will go. I'm not suicidal , but I find no reason to live, funny no? and not the least bit ironic.

Sitting in this pitch black room at 3 in the morning makes me wonder what is going to come of this life. My academic side says the skys the limit , whereas my dark side says theres nothing for me. I do have to agree with the pessimistic on this , I could not stand the routines of the "white picket-fence" lifestyle. Thinks need to be constantly changeing , wheels within wheels. Something that can make us think and react with the greatest pride.

Knowing of the perfect society we all hope to have , I see how much it will never come to pass. Humans are in themselves creatures of habit, finding comfort in their patterns. But , chaos is where everyone can truely show their charicter and become more powerful then ever before. Is there nothing in this world that can really be acomplished without the help of another?

Self-reliance is key to our world , to be masters of our own domain , as well as others. We must know what we are capable of and know how we can use that to infulence others.

part of a story ill never finish

I find myself staring at her, not sexually , but to take in her entire atmosphere. She see's the knife in my hand and immagies the worst. The knife is there just for the show, to create that fear that drives me insane, you can smell it , the adrelene causeing her to stare wildy at me and she cannot sit still , her legs shaking enough to shake the building off its very foundation.
I slowly approach her, not with hate or malace, but with a simple curiosity as to what she will do next. I run the knife smoothly down her arms , pressing it down gently enough for her to notice. On her legs i do the same, but applying just enough force to make a few beads of blood appear. After this she cries out in pain, but realises that noone is comming to save her , to rescue to her, she is mine and nothing will change that now. She begins to look around the room and sees what she dosen't want to see.
As it so happens, i usually heep drawings and illustrations of various skeletal structures and muscle groups lying around , and at this time i had more then usual, and I had to begin to pin them to the walls, and this created a dark ambiance for her.
I can see now that she is losing hope , and even silently praying to her god won't save her. A darkness floods her eyes and she hangs her head. I think to myself "let us prolong this , she is too weak , we must show her the true ways and show her what it means to be strong now". I walk out of the dark damp room she would call her tomb soon enough.



Ill do more later, im tired now

tonight i found myself watching horriblemovies andpictures of violent deaths and decapatations...but I couldonly find myself laughing at them. I have no idea why but it felt significant enought for me to have towrite it down here. In case I forgot sometime, the spacebar on this laptop is shit , and hardly works anymore.

Another night of insomnia, perhaps ill stare at a wall and die of boredom now.

hmm...

i find myself questiong everything around me . why do we hold on to our lives when were going to die eventually. why do we fight for what will eventually be lost anyways? I really do hope that this is really just my teenage hormones fucking up my mind, but im not so sure anymore. Ive always had questions like this is my life. Even when i was 8 years old i still have memories of asking my parents why we go to church and if they really believed that this God person existed.

I try and keep myself away from religon , it usually just brings up memories of a time earlier in my life when I diden't have to question anything. I simply lived though the experiences of those around me. A time of blissful ignorance that i believe we all long to go back too. But as i think about it more i cannot find a reason why i would want to go back to that time. Even if i did enjoy that time , it was out of ignorance of the world, and i dont think i could intentionally lower myself to that anymore. Its not an issue of pride, i just do not think i could stand for anything anymore if i was to lower myself down anymore.

times change , but have I?

i've gotten increceingly worse over the past few days. I find myself becomeing even more distant from other people now , i have almost no need to talk to people , even my friends now.

I've had this weird feeling for a while now , kinda like my mind and ody are separate, I'm not always in control of either too. I could just be sitting down and as hard as i try , i cannot get up, or at times i cannot focus on doing the most mundane things. I cannot tell you how long this really has been going on , sence even before i started bleedingmyself...no even before that. Just something evil posessed me that day even more then usual.
But for now i can maintain control.

i tire of this

Every day , every hour , every second , time passes me by. Theres no feeling of it passing anymore , the sun and the moon are both a compilation of uselessness anymore, they just blend into a grey mix of life and death . Perhaps im trying to hold on to the last bits of humanity that i can , before i can really turn into something inhuman , into a true monster. I've always though it would be cool to be the big evil bad guy in some heroic story. But then when i really think about it , that guy , that evil man has no purpose in his life then to cause harm and pain to others. Not to sound like a wuss or anything here , but i cannot find a good reason to follow that.
But thats another problem for me too. The good guys always seem more flawed to me , sure even the bad guys have their problems. But they end up usually just being the "big evil angry guy who wants to take over the world for one reason or another." But its how the good guys always put up a front to the people , to show that theres nothing wrong , that everything is all clean a pristine with the heroes that discusts me . When the things that the heroes do is usually worse then what a villan does , why is he still the hero?
For instance, in Watchmen Rorshart was a "tragic" hero , but this brings me to another point. He was considered a hero , but did more thigns wrong then almost any villan in story. Sure he said it was to find the truth and the justice, But at what point was he even worse then the rest of them. Enough for now , i must rest.